The American family of today is not the same as it was a generation and more ago. The intimacy and closeness of families in the United States of America that was once the norm is now a thing of the past. All too often, adult children in America are tossing their parents aside, abandoning them, foresaking them, and disowning them. Estrangements within families are becoming a societal epidemic, in my opinion.
My wife and I have both been the object of alienation from adult children. We wed in December of 1995 and have a blended family. My wife has two children from her previous marrige; and, I have three children from my previous marriage. At the time we wed, my wife's son was 27 years of age and was married with one child, and her daughter was 25, married and had one child; none of my children were married, my oldest son was 22, my younger son was 21, and my daughter was 18. At the beginning, we all got along, although our respective children never really became close.
As the years went by, things changed. My wife's son and his wife eventually had a total of 5 children; my wife's daughter and her husband eventually had another child and they have two children. My younger son married at age 25 and he and his wife have two children, and my daughter wed at age 34 and she and her husband have two children.
It was around 2010 that I was informed that my wife's son forbade me from entering his house and and seeing his children (To this day, no one has told me why I was shut out!). Meanwhile, my wife's son continued to speak with his mother for approximately the next ten years, and allowed her to visit him and his children UNTIL he finally tossed her aside and stopped speaking with her around late 2019 / early 2020. My wife's daughter cast me aside for the second time in three years and stopped speaking with me altogether sometime around 2014; and, she totally disrespected her mother (my wife) abandoning her in 2016 by means of sending a series of nasty, abusive text messages.
For about the past year-and-one-half now, my married son has not answered the phone when I have telephoned (thank you caller ID), has not returned my messages left on his telephone answering system, has not responded to any of my numerous electronic messages (e-mails, etc.), and has not responded to any of my written correspondence sent via United States Postal Service.
That of which I have written about my own family is only part of the family dysfunction that exists. More estrangement exists with siblings, nephews, nieces, and cousins. We have a very large extended family. Undoubtedly, this blog entry will only make some family members become (more) upset with me. However, I have reached out so many, many times to the various family members who have so easily and consciously chosen to throw my wife and I aside, only to be ignored, that I have decided it is finally time I accept the fact that we are dead to them and to get on with what is left of our lives. What a terrible shame that we, a 73 year-old man and 72 year-old woman, must finish our lives like this!
It has been relayed to me that I make public that which should remain private. It has been said that I embarass family members by what I say or write. I say I am who I am. I say people should be accountable and responsible for their own words and actions. I say no one other than me should be judged for my words and my actions. If what I say or write about someone else is true but it embaraases them, then they need to look within themselves, not blame me for what they have said and done. If I am to remain estranged from some of my family, and should I die tonight, at least maybe this Roland Hansen Commentary blog entry might open some eyes and cause people to introspect and to think about their value system as it relates to family interpersonal relationships.
I have recently read a very interesting article which profers that American values are fueling estrangement. The article concludes with:
Yet in less grave scenarios our American love affair with the needs and rights of the individual conceals how much sorrow we create for those we leave behind. We may see cutting off family members as courageous rather than avoidant or selfish. We can convince ourselves that it’s better to go it alone than to do the work it takes to resolve conflict. Some problems may be irresolvable, but there are also relationships that don’t need to be lost forever.
It is sometimes tempting to see family members as one more burden in an already demanding life. It can be hard to see their awkward attempts to care for us, the confounding nature of their struggles, and the history they carry stumbling into the present. It can be difficult to apologize to those we’ve hurt and hard to forgive those who have hurt us. But sometimes the benefits outweigh the costs. Tara Westover wrote in her memoir, Educated, “I know only this: that when my mother told me she had not been the mother to me that she wished she’d been, she became that mother for the first time.”
We are all flawed. We should have that at the forefront of our minds when deciding who to keep in or out of our lives—and how to respond to those who no longer want us in theirs.
I encourage you to read the entire article. To do so, just follow the embedded ink contained within its title.
ref: Coleman, Joshua, A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement, The Atlantic, January 10, 2021.
Unfortunately, estrangement in American families is not uncommon!
